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STOP
THE CAR, MR. BECKET!
(Formerly The Rendon Boy to the Grave is Gone)
This darkly humorous novel begins with a fire at the home
of young
Ephraim Rendon, which kills his mother Juliet. Ephraim's
deceased father was a psychotic pathologist and his
mother an eccentric and controversial writer. Orphaned
to Juliet's
kind and loving sister, Miranda, Ephraim suffers under
her husband's foul temper. After insulting Ephraim
and Miranda
one too many times, he is thrown out, and Miranda
finds happiness with Ian Rosen, her sister's publisher.
Rosen and Ephraim become fiercely bonded and Rosen's
unconditional
love restores the insecure, difficult boy to happiness.
But with the arrival of Kate Rendon, Ephraim's father's
sister, her wicked love of money threatens to destroy
this security, and a battle between good and evil is
fought
until the very last page.
Rosen
was just under six foot and well built. His
appearance
was wild and not unattractive to hot-blooded,
sex-starved
women. He often wore the same shirts from
one day
to the next and was an infrequent bather. He had
large
grey eyes, a beautiful nose and thick untidy black hair
which
he sometimes swept back from his face. He had the
loose
look about the eyes of a man with a permanent
craving
for women. He always wore his tie loosened at the
neck,
and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. He kept
a gold
Rolex watch on his left wrist.
Apart
from the fact that he always shaved every day
with an
electric razor, he was looking dishevelled that day
and his
appearance and unwashed odour attracted her. His
tie was
loosened at the neck. In fact, she had never seen it
knotted
even when he was clean. The pale blue shirt he
wore had
not been changed for several days and she could
tell that
he had not taken a bath for the same amount of
time.
His unkempt state was at variance with the expensive,
gold Rolex
watch he wore on his left wrist and matching
gold cufflinks.
The contrast between extreme expense and
sloth
enthralled her to such an extent that she longed to be
violated
by him.
"You haven't
changed your clothes for some time," she
said,
smiling.
"There
are times when I don't feel like it. I don't go
round
like this, all the time. Only occasionally, when I get
down in
spirits."
"Perhaps,
you should get down more often."
"Why,
Baby?"
"Because
you're more exciting when you don't wash."



Becket
was looking at the cathedral on top of the hill,
overlooking
Marseilles. He was the first to break the
silence.
"Would
you like to accompany me to the cathedral, to
say prayers
for the boy, Mr Rosen?"
"There
wouldn't be any point. I have no faith."
"Not even
some?"
"Not any.
I don't believe in God, Mr Becket. Nor have
I, since
I was twelve years old. I get angry when religion
is forced
onto children, and they are warned about hell fire,
and that
sort of thing. It's a threat to them, not a comfort.
"Don't
take offence, but one thing I can't tolerate is a
religious
person, trying to impose his God on me. Even in
adversity,
I don't want God in my life."
Rosen
put out his cigarette and lit another. He inhaled
urgently
on it. It was his sixth since entering the cafÇ.
"I find
your attitude dashed regrettable. Dashed
regrettable,
I call it," said Becket.
"You can
regret it as much as you want, for all I care.
All I
ask is that you don't impose your God on me. I'm not
up to
it. I'm a militant non-believer, with humanitarian
values.
I'd sooner watch a blind person being helped across
a road,
than a lot of idiots, praying. I suppose, if I were to
have any
God, it would be sex. That's a thing my body
needs,
to stay healthy."
"You need
it, Mr Rosen."
"It's
easy for you to say that. It's the way I am made.
I need
a prostitute...



Lawrance,
the Headmaster, was well-known for his
overtly
verbose way of expressing himself. Ephraim sat
solemnly
in one of the study's upright chairs, with his head
lowered,
his hands clasped on his knee and his golden curls
tumbling
loosely onto his face.
"Have
you any Latin, Ephraim?" asked Mr Lawrance,
kindly.
"I did
a little Latin at the Browning, sir. I am afraid I
am not
very good, though, because I only studied it for a
few months.
That is, before I left the school when my
mother
died."
"What
a smart, grown-up way, you have of speaking,
young
Mr Rendon. It is your kind that turn into industrious,
professional
men."
"I am
indeed indebted, sir," replied the unusually
precocious
twelve-year-old."
Mr Lawrance
raised his eyebrows and lifted his arms in
an expansive
gesture of bemused affection.



"Did you
learn any French at your last school?"
"No, sir.
I don't speak any French at all."
He scanned
the large, imposing Headmaster, with his innocent wide eyes.
"I do
know one
thing, sir, and that's something my mother told me. When a gentleman
approaches
a particularly low-grade type of whore, the whore often says,
`How do
you like
your French?' Perhaps, you'd care to tell me what that means,
exactly, sir."
Mr Lawrance
whitened and gaped at Ephraim, looking like an owl waiting to
be
fed. He
ripped his glasses off, in a subconscious attempt to blur his
vision of reality.
"Your
mother said this to you?" he spluttered.
"Oh, yes,
sir. She and I often talked about this sort of thing. My mother
used to
take me
out some nights. She took me to red light areas in London. She
loved to
point
out the whores to me. It was ever so fascinating, sir. Do you
do what most of
the other
gentlemen do, after hours? Do you go up the disorderlies?"
Mr Lawrance
was beginning to think his encounter with Ephraim was no more
than a
dream. He responded mechanically.
"What
do you mean by your use of the words, 'up the disorderlies'?"
"You must
know, sir. Do you ever frequent disorderly houses, or brothels
as they
are sometimes
called?"
"Tell
me a bit about the books you've been reading. What books were
they?"
"I couldn't
name all of them, sir, but I shall endeavour to name a few.
They were
Jane Eyre,
Wuthering Heights, some of the books written by Charles Dickens,
and
Samuel
Richardson's Clarissa oh that was all set out in the
form of tedious letters.
I disliked
the book, and, had I written it myself, I would have been deeply
ashamed of
having
bored my readers beyond oblivion."
Mr Lawrance
stared at the child, aghast. He was beginning to fear him. Instead
of simply
finding
him singular, he saw him as being unnatural, threatening and
surreal.
"There
is just one question, sir, and to the best of my knowledge,
it is an intelligent
question,"
said Ephraim.
"Well,
what is your question?"
"What
is a necrophiliac, sir?"
Mr Lawrance
had already risen to his feet. He suddenly felt faint and allowed
himself to
fall into
his leather-studded chair.
"A necrophiliac,
is plainly and simply, a filiac which is necro.



"What do
you read?" asked Mr Green the English master.
"I like
Fielding's Tom Jones, sir," said Ephraim.
"Why?"
"Because
of the big-bosomed, buxom-buttocked wenches, sir.
I like
the feel of over-painted whores, touting on cobbled streets.
I like
the smell of hot sex and debauchery, hitting you in the face
on almost
every page."
The boys
stared and tittered at Ephraim.
"Your
attitude is insolent and precocious, boy! What worries
me is
the fact that you don't speak in this manner to show off.
You do
so because you think it is quite normal.


"Give
us the fags, will you?"
"Are you
mad?"
"No. The
morphine's completely stopped the pain. Anyway,
it's too
late. It doesn't matter."
She handed
him a cigarette and a lighter. When he inhaled,
she was
horrified by his gasping wheeze, as he sucked the smoke
into his
anaesthetized lungs.
"Lean
over me. I want to touch your lovely hair."
"It hasn't
been done for two weeks."
"As I
see it, it looks as if you'd had it done only ten minutes
ago. Can
you do just one more thing for me?"
"You know
I can. What do you think I'm here for?"
"Get up
on the bed. That way, I can feel your hair better."
"It's
very dirty."
"It's
sexier."
She got
onto the bed. Her nerves made her movements
clumsy.
"Take
my cock. When it's hard, try to get it inside you."
He went
on smoking, using his left hand and allowed his
head to
move from side to side in ecstasy. He clutched Miranda's
hair and
twisted it round the fingers of his right hand.
"Oh, Christ,
this is nectar! Get your head up, quick, before
I come
down your throat and choke you."
Suddenly,
his blood pressure rose dramatically and stopped
his heart.
The half-smoked cigarette fell from his fingers onto the
floor.
Miranda
continued to lie on the bed. Even in death, his
liquid
grey eyes shone straight at her like stars. So extreme was
her grief,
that it denied her the luxury of tears.



"I am afraid
I want to be sick."
The devout
Catholic crossed himself. He indicated left and
swerved
the silver Rolls to the side of the road, its front left
wheel
brushing against the pavement.
Becket
bounded from the Rolls, raced round to the front and
hurriedly
opened Ephraim's door. He eased the boy out and
rushed
him to a wall, linking a row of terraced houses. Ephraim
leant
over the wall and brought up everything he had consumed
that morning,
into someone's proudly tended garden.
Becket
could not tolerate the sight of someone being sick.
When his
son, Peter, was small, the child often suffered from car
sickness.
Betsy had been driving on one of these occasions, when
Peter
was sick without warning. Becket found the experience so
horrific
that he threw himself out of the moving car, rolled down
a bank
and broke his collar bone.
Ephraim
had a great deal to bring up. He had eaten a
heaped-up
bowl of cereal, a plate of bacon, eggs, sausages and
tomatoes
and three to four pieces of toast, mounded with his
beloved
honey.
Becket
held his head and looked the other way. He tried to
immerse
his thoughts in the unknown matter of Gorky's sex life.
Ephraim
finished, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand
and stood
up straight like a soldier.
"I'm pretty
sure I've got everything up, now. Thank you,
Becket,"
he said.
"Mr Becket
to you!" said the chauffeur, his voice raised.
"I don't
understand. I thought I was supposed to call you
'Becket'
because Miranda calls you `Becket'."
"That
has nothing to do with it. Mrs White is entitled to call
me 'Becket'
because she and her husband employ me. You do
not employ
me. Therefore, when you speak to me, if you wish
to use
a name, you address me as 'Mr Becket'."
"Very
well. I give you my word that I shall always address
you, not
as 'Becket', but as 'Mr Becket'."
"Are you
quite sure you aren't going to be sick, again?"
"Yes.
Quite sure. I've got the whole lot up, now, thank you,
Mr Becket,
like I said."
"Good.
You must see it from my point of view. It would be
the end
of the world if you were sick in the Rolls."



"Just
before we begin, we have a new boy here, I'm told.
Would
the new boy care to raise his hand," said Mr Paulden.
Ephraim
did so, content that the eyes of the other boys were
focused
on him, in anticipation of whatever outrage he would
commit
next.
"What
is your name?"
"Ephraim
Rendon, sir."
Mr Paulden
was having trouble with his hearing aid. It
enabled
him to enjoy perfect hearing, but when it was
maladjusted,
he couldn't hear anything.
"Fred,
from Leicestershire, dear? I can't hear you."
"Ephraim
Rendon, sir," repeated the boy, loudly.
"Tell
me a bit about yourself."
Ephraim
had had this question put to him so many times that
it bored
him. He took advantage of Mr Paulden's deafness, to
amuse
the boys.
"I'm a
serial killer's son, sir. My father murdered three
women
and hanky-pankied about with them after they'd snuffed
it.
"My father
used to pay prostitutes to sing 'God Save the
Queen'.
My father loved Edgar Allan Poe. My mother said I was
conceived
while my father recited The Raven. My father loved
to have
intercourse with dead bodies. My father was the biggest
necrophiliac
in London."
Mr Paulden
adjusted his hearing aid.
"What
did you say, just then, when I asked you to tell me
about
yourself? How is it that you have managed to evoke this
extraordinary
amount of merriment among your class mates?"
"All I
said was that I used to live by the Thames but had
since
moved to Hampstead. I am an orphan and I am being
looked
after by my foster-parents, whose names are Mr and Mrs
White.
I also said, and perhaps this is a trifle less interesting,
that Mr
White is a dentist with a practice in Harley Street."
"Harley
Street, eh? Good, good. I can't say I find anything
particularly
funny about that."



Becket,
the chauffeur, opened the two back doors. He could tell
by the
faces of his employers, that he would not be required to
drive
away, immediately. Rosen put his hands under Miranda's
shirt.
He laid her on her back and had violent, noisy, tormented
sex with
her.
Becket,
acutely embarrassed by Rosen's uninhibited
behaviour,
sat there, his aristocratic face as rigid as a board,
reading
The Brothers Karamazov.
The Rosens
woke up early the following morning, Rosen
rolled
on top of Miranda.
"I'm so
sorry, Ian. It came on in the night. I can't do
anything
for a few days."
"Poor
little girl. Do you want me to get some Paracetamol
from the
bathroom?"
"Will
you?"
He handed
her the pills and gave her a glass of water. He
lifted
her head and shoulders onto his chest and put his arms
round
her waist.
"Do you
want me to rub your tummy?" he asked.
"I've
got a better idea."
"Which
is what, sweetie?"
"I want
to go down."
He sat
up and clutched her hair and pushed her head
downwards.
His breathing became laboured and he let out a
strange,
melancholy wail.
"Oh Christ,
oh, Christ...."



Juliet
was being taken by ambulance to St Thomas Hospital. Her
lungs
were full of carbon monoxide fumes, following a fire and
the use
of a large amount of the drug, Speed, she had taken,
made her
behaviour disinhibited. Her head was a few inches
away from
the ambulance driver's ear.
"I was
the common-law wife of this beautiful-looking, hunky
pathologist
at the Hammersmith Hospital," she shouted.
"He was
a schizophrenic and his father was a Harley Street
psychiatrist.
"He told
me this story not long before he died. He went into
his father's
waiting room, where he saw this man reading Crime
and Punishment.
Jesus, driver, do you know what he did?" She
shouted
like an express train, her speech rattling.
The ambulance
driver wiped the sweat from his brow.
"No. Just
tell me as calmly as you can, if you think I need
to know."
"You won't
believe it! He went up to this man and sat astride
him. He
shouted, 'I say, when you read Crime and Punishment,
do you
ever get fantasies about being buggered by Raskolnikov
on the
floor of his garret?'"
Her words
had nearly perforated the ambulance driver's
eardrums.
In an involuntary movement, caused by exhaustion and
stress,
his hand turned the steering wheel sharply to the right.
A bus
carrying some old-aged pensioners to a community day
centre,
was travelling on the other side of the road. Its driver
swerved
off the road, onto the pavement and into some
shrubbery.
The ambulance
driver had broken out in a cold sweat and his
heart
was beating so fast that it hurt him. His words were
unnaturally
flowery and his tone of voice exaggeratedly pleading,
even comic.
"Oh, please,
I beg of you on trembling bended knee, please
stop persecuting
me. I'm only a poorly-paid ambulance driver.
I just
can't take the soundtrack of Oklahoma! I can't bear all this
shouting
and I don't want to hear about Russians buggering
people
in garrets. Besides, I don't think my mother would want
me to
be exposed to such utterly disgusting conversation."



Rosen
knelt beside her.
"It's
Juliet, isn't it, Baby?" he said.
"Yes,
I've tried to suppress it, ever since she died. I've tried
to appear
cheerful and jolly for Ephraim's sake. I want to see
him happy.
I've forced myself not to cry, either in front of him,
or otherwise."
Rosen
held her. His unwashed state excited her.
"Why don't
you cry, now? You're on the verge of tears,
already."
"I mustn't."
"He won't
know. He's upstairs, working. You must cry.
Otherwise,
you'll go mad."
"No. I
can't let myself, Ian. Once I start, I won't stop. It
would
be like alcoholism."
"Rubbish!
Cry, just to please me. A woman's very sexy
when she
cries. It would mean I'd be able to lick the salt tears
off your
cheeks. In fact, it would be rather mean of you to refuse
to grant
me such a simple request. Go on. Prove to me you're a
woman.
No-one will witness your tears, but me."
Miranda
did cry. Her body shook like an epileptic's. She
undid
Rosen's shirt and let her tears fall on his chest.
"Good
girl. When I see you do that, my love for you is so
terrifying
I almost want to die," he said.
"I feel
so lucky to have you that I'm sometimes frightened
you will."
He had
a sudden wish to do everything he could to cheer her
up. He
lowered his voice and spoke seductively into her ear.
"Do you
want a fuck?"
"What,
now? In here? That's impossible. The bloody
Pendarys
are sitting next door."
"Does
it matter?"
"Yes,
of course it does. One of them might come in,
wondering
where we are."
"That
wouldn't bother me much. It shouldn't concern anyone
who really
wants it."
"I do
want it, she said.
"OK, Baby,
promise you won't scream?"



Jopp
took his glass eye out, rolled it on the table like a
marble
and put it back in its socket. He continued to shout at the
prostitute.
"When
I had my cough this morning, I gunked up an 'ole
'andkerchief-full
of blood," he repeated.
"So you've
said, already," remarked his female companion.
"Do you
normally take out your eye, roll it about on the table
and put
it back in its socket?"
Jopp continued
his monologue. Hitler's utterances at a
Nuremburg
rally, would have seemed no more than pathetic,
bird-like
bleats in comparison with the eccentric West
countryman's
delivery.
"You'll
have to pay me for my time," said his companion.
"I can't
listen to all this medical talk, unless you give me another
hundred
francs, and fifty francs, every time you get your eye
out."
Jopp had
run out of cash. "Forget it," he said,
.

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