"I have an exercise book here," said Mrs Beddington, the headmistress. "In
fact, a composition has been written by one of your girls, namely Susan Dunn,
who is untamed enough to kick leaves about outside my window."
"My function is to teach the girls elegant, prozaic, written English. I
endeavour to see that their prose style is identical to Charlotte Bronte's."
"Quite so, Miss Buckleshott, quite so. The issue I am taking up with you is
the manner in which your girls handle the written word."
"I teach them formal and correct written English. As it is the most beautiful
language in the world, I encourage them to write in a quaint and antiquated
manner."
"While being formal, their methods of writing English are not correct," said
Mrs Beddington. I will read a section from one of Susan's compositions."
"It is headed The Honeymoon. So appalled am I by Susan's written English,
taught by you, that I scarcely dare read this aloud. However, I shall do so."
"Oh, please do," said Rhoda, leaning forward in her chair.
"As I say, it is headed The Honeymoon. The dastardly, appallingly repetitive
prose reads as follows.

"Mr and Mrs Brown repaired to their elegant, comfortable bedroom with
intent to consummate their marriage.
"Mr Brown removed his apparel, neatly folded it up, and attired his slimmish
person with his modestly selected pair of cotton pyjamas. He then entered the
bathroom, cleaned his teeth with a specially selected fluoride toothpaste, sponged
his private parts on the bidet provided, and repaired to the bedroom, whereupon
he eased himself into the meticulously constructed, ornate, four-poster bed."

Miss Buckleshott struggled to suppress a smile. Mrs Beddington continued,

"`How pleasant to find oneself in such a truly delightful environment,' he
remarked in passing to Mrs Brown, who had removed all her clothing, and
entered the bed naked.
"Mr Brown recognized this as a signal to remove his pyjamas.
"He uttered a discreet, genteel little cough.
"`Stand you in readiness to receive my seed, most sweet and incomparable
Samantha-Anne?' he enquired.
"Mrs Brown was obliged to place her slender, gossamer arms round her
husband's swarthy shoulders.
"`I feel bound to reply in the affirmative, my beloved and most worthy
Cuthbert,' she answered courteously.

 

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