A Singularly Embarrassing Incident
Eleanor Berry
www.eleanorberry.net

I’ve got carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand which means I can’t type properly, so I need a secretary to type the manuscripts of my books. I once had a secretary called Mave*. She was invaluable because she typed so accurately. However, she couldn’t read my writing and could only take shorthand at a speed of about 10 words a minute. Added to this, she was extremely deaf. I used to dictate to her on my mobile phone and had to speak very loudly and very slowly.
The incident I am about to describe took place on a train from Paddington Station to Bristol. I was speaking really loudly and slowly. I was asking her to type an extract from The Rendon Boy to the Grave is Gone, later to be published as Stop the Car, Mr Becket. The short passage I dictated, read as follows:-
“New paragraph. Open quotes. Take my cock, full stop. When it’s hard, comma, try to get it inside you, full stop.
“New Paragraph. Open quotes. Oh Christ, comma, this is nectar, exclamation mark. Get your head up quick before I come down your throat and choke you, full stop. Close quotes.”
There were not many people on the train. When I got to Bristol I rose to my feet. What I didn’t realise, was the fact that sitting on the other side of the partition was the flaming Duke of Edinburgh. I smiled apologetically. He said:-
“I say, I enjoyed your raunchy dictation to your secretary, what!”
I flushed to the roots of my hair.
“Why, thank you, your Royal Highness,” I said sycophantically.

* Mave eventually resigned for two reasons. First she fell hopelessly in love with a character called Ian Rosen, who appears in the above-mentioned book. This caused a rift in her marriage. Foul language was used, doors were slammed and crockery was smashed. The second reason for her resignation was the fact that she found my books turgid and distressing. Bloody cheek!